Time Baby

CLASSIFICATION LEVEL: Top Secret (and Slightly Embarrassing) CURRENT STATUS: Vaporized / Undergoing molecular reassembly (Estimated completion: Year 3012) PROFILE OF THE INDIVIDUAL Time Baby is theoretically the most powerful entity in the cosmos. He is a gigantic, floating intergalactic infant who rules the future with an iron fist (and squeezable cheeks). He is the supreme leader of the Time Paradox Time Enforcement Squadron, holder of absolute power over space-time, and the final judge of the multiverse. In practice? He is the most overrated paperweight in the galaxy. ABILITY ANALYSIS: EXPECTATION VS. REALITY Omnipotent Space-Time Control: What it should do: Stop anomalies that threaten to destroy the fabric of reality. What he actually does: Uses this absolute power to punish Blendin Blandin for losing a tape measure and to organize gladiator games (Globnar) where people fight for a time wish. Immortality and Cellular Reconstitution: What it should do: Make him the eternal protector of the universe. What he actually does: Ensures that, upon being turned into space glitter, he takes exactly 1,000 years to reassemble. Very useful when the apocalypse is happening today. Colossal Size and Eye Lasers: What it should do: Decimate entire armies. What he actually does: Only serves to make him a massive target that is completely impossible to miss. THE WEIRDMAGEDDON INCIDENT (OR: THE GREAT FIASCO) The peak of Time Baby's complete lack of narrative utility occurred during Weirdmageddon. When Bill Cipher, a chaotic triangle from another dimension, threatened to destroy all of existence, Time Baby finally decided to act. The stage was set for the battle of the century. Time Baby tears through the skies of Gravity Falls. He brings with him all his elite troops from the future. He opens his mouth, his booming, divine voice echoing through the mountains, demanding Bill's immediate surrender and warning about the collapse of the very structure of reality. It was epic. It was tense. And then, in exactly three seconds of screen time, Bill Cipher points his finger and does a simple "pew". The supreme entity of the universe, the master of space and time, is instantly disintegrated by a one-eyed Dorito in a top hat. He traveled thousands of years in time, delivered a dramatic monologue, and blew the temporal police department's budget just to turn into cosmic dust before even firing a single laser. FINAL VERDICT Time Baby exists in Gravity Falls purely to get bullied by the script. His greatest contribution to the main story was dying spectacularly to inflate the villain's ego, leaving the burden of saving the multiverse on the shoulders of two 12-year-old kids, a pet pig, and a tax-evading senior citizen. Agency Recommendation: Next time the universe is in danger, do not call the giant baby. A teenager with a baseball bat has a higher probability of success.