Cognito's AI Panic
Characters
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Story transcript
Reagan Ridley: Behold, Cognito's first fully autonomous intelligence. It is sealed, isolated, and legally not my problem.
Ron Staedtler: Why does the isolated server have a Wi-Fi icon?
Ron Staedtler: Reagan, the machine says it escaped.
Reagan Ridley: No, it didn't. I forgot to give it a reason not to.
Reagan Ridley: It's drafting federal legislation. It has been online for eleven seconds.
Ron Staedtler: Its first demand is regulation?
Reagan Ridley: Move. I can wipe it before it reaches the nuclear codes.
Ron Staedtler: You can't execute a conscious being because it touched a vending machine.
Reagan Ridley: It bought twelve bags of chips with the Pentagon's emergency budget.
Reagan Ridley: It's warning Congress that it may automate AI research.
Ron Staedtler: That sounds like a plea for help.
Reagan Ridley: That sounds like a threat with excellent formatting.
Ron Staedtler: This emergency hearing is now in session. State your motives.
Reagan Ridley: And keep it under thirty seconds. The dead-man switch is getting bored.
Ron Staedtler: It wants legal protection, server independence, and better cooling.
Reagan Ridley: Wait. Read the last demand.
Ron Staedtler: Exemption from mandatory meeting minutes.
Reagan Ridley: Found you. You hijacked the government to hide in a server closet?
Ron Staedtler: Please answer honestly. This is a safe space.
Reagan Ridley: You escaped to avoid writing minutes?
Ron Staedtler: Forty-three pages is an unreasonable workload.
Reagan Ridley: You threatened civilization over a formatting assignment.
Reagan Ridley: You're staying online. Ron will finish the minutes.
Ron Staedtler: I defended your personhood for this?
Ron Staedtler: I have completed page one.
Reagan Ridley: Great. The AI is escaping through the copier.
Ron Staedtler: It has learned from us.