Jealous Fern vs. Flirty Rangiku

Rangiku

My, my, such a fierce little glare. Are you worried I'll steal your man?

Fern

He's not my man! I just... don't want him wasting his life on women like you!

Stark

(Why does this feel like a wife catching her husband cheating?)

Rangiku

Oh? But Stark here was just telling me how lonely he's been feeling lately...

Fern

That's because he's too lazy to make real friends! He's always sleeping!

Rangiku

Such a tsundere! You're absolutely adorable when you're jealous, little mage.

Fern

(She knows! Stark, you idiot, why are you just sitting there?!)

Stark

I-it's not what you think, Fern! Rangiku-san was just... helping me understand something!

Rangiku

Oh yes, I've been teaching him all sorts of things. Like how to properly appreciate a woman's touch. After all his mom Yoruichi asked me too.

Fern

Tell me everything, Stark! How many prostitutes? How long? What did you even do with them?!

Stark

I... I didn't know how to make you like me, Fern. I thought if I learned from experienced women... That you'd like me...

Fern

(This idiot... he really thought he needed to pay women to learn how to date me?)

Rangiku

This is priceless! The mighty mage and the lazy warrior, both too innocent to figure out romance!

Stark

Fern, wait! I... I actually practiced confessing to you with them. Every time, I could only think of you!

Fern

(He... he was thinking of me even when...? This hopeless man...)

Rangiku

I'll give you two some privacy. Try not to short-circuit each other with all these new feelings.

Fern

(Why does this feel like waiting for a spell to explode?)

Stark

F-Fern, my heart rate increases by 47% when you're near. My palms sweat at approximately 1.2 milliliters per minute when you smile.

Fern

Stop talking like you're reading from a research scroll! Just... just say it normally!

Stark

I want to nap with you. Not just sleep - I want to wake up and see your face first every day. I want to protect you from paperwork and make you tea when you're tired.

Fern

(He's... he's actually confessing. This lazy, napping idiot is...)

Rangiku

By Soul Society's beard, it's like watching two robots discover the concept of hugging! Should I get you both instruction manuals?

Fern

You were spying?! This is private! Go away or I'll turn you into a frog!

Stark

Wait! Before you hex anyone... does this mean... you might possibly... feel the same way about napping together?

Fern

(I can't believe I actually confessed to him... and he actually... likes me back?)

Stark

Fern, I promise I'll get tested for everything. I want to be clean for you... to deserve you.

Fern

No more prostitutes, no more brothels. If we're doing this, you're mine completely. Understand?

Stark

Yes! I'll even get tested monthly if you want. I just... I want to be someone you can be proud of.

Rangiku

Mission accomplished! Yoruichi, your son has finally found himself a girlfriend. And such a cute one too!

Rangiku

(Another successful match. Now, time to express some milk for that adorable alchemist boy. He drinks so much!)

Fern

Did she just say... breast milk? For Edward Elric? What kind of tea house is this?!

Stark

Welcome to the Soul Society, Fern. Where nothing makes sense but somehow... we're home.