Tea App Break-Up Scheme

Hinata

Naruto-kun... three different women reported you for being gay and a deadbeat on the Tea app. Tell me this isn't true.

Naruto

That's fake news! Someone's trying to sabotage us, dattebayo!

Hinata

There's even a photo of you... with that ramen waitress... on our anniversary date...

Sakura

(Perfect. Add another fake story about him leaving women at the altar...)

Naruto

Let me see that app! I bet it's someone from the village who hates me!

Hinata

I'm screenshotting everything. If these are lies, we'll prove it together. But if they're true...

Sakura

Ha ha ha. Soon they'll break up. If I have to be single. So should Naruto.

Hinata

Sakura-chan, have you heard. Someone has red flagged my Naruto-Kun. I don't know what to believe.

Hinata

He's been coming home at 3 AM claiming paperwork... but the Hokage tower lights are off at midnight...

Sakura

Oh sweetie, you deserve better than someone who treats you like a backup plan.

Sakura

Between us girls? I heard he's been meeting someone at Ichiraku after you sleep... someone with dark hair who isn't you.

Hinata

(Sasuke... could it be? The way Naruto looks at him... like he used to look at me...)

Sakura

(Adding another witness claim about Naruto's "late night ramen dates"... this is too easy.)

Hinata

Sakura-chan... how did you know about the 3 AM thing? I never told anyone that.

Sakura

Look Hinata, Sasuke is my deadbeat baby daddy. I had a feeling they were together. Call it a hunch?

Hinata

Fine, I'll go confront Naruto. I hope to get some answers...

Hinata

Naruto, the Tea app just flagged your profile again. Three new women claim you ghosted them after promising marriage.

Naruto

That's impossible! I've been in this hospital bed since I had a heart attack. Too much salt in the ramen.

Sakura

(Perfect timing. A hospitalized husband makes the perfect alibi for more fake reports.)

Hinata

These timestamps... they match exactly when you were unconscious from anesthesia. Someone's deliberately targeting us.

Sakura

(She's getting too close. Need to escalate this before she traces the IP.)

Naruto

Hinata, check my phone. The real one. Not the one Sakura's been "keeping safe" for me.

Hinata

Naruto... these aren't just fake reports. They're coming from inside the hospital. From this very floor.

Sakura

(She knows. But how? The hospital's secure network should have masked everything...)

Hinata

Sakura, as Chief of Medicine, I have access to every device on this network. Including the one you've been using to destroy my marriage from inside my own hospital.

Naruto

Sakura! How could you do this to us?! You were my comrade in arms.

Sakura

I don't know what you're talking about...

Naruto

I trusted you! Hinata trusted you! You're the one posting fake reports about me!

Sakura

Fine! Yes, it was me! I was jealous, okay?!

Sakura

You married the one person who actually saw you as more than just the village idiot! Meanwhile, I got stuck with Sasuke who left me all alone...

Naruto

Gee, I wonder why he left? I know because you're a malicious bitch with a grudge. Too bitter to move on.

Naruto

Newsflash, Sakura: You had your chance. You chose Sasuke. Deal with it.

Sakura

At least I tried! You're still the same clueless idiot who never noticed anyone's feelings!

Hinata

FUCK YOU SAKURA!!!! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD NARUTO YOU LOVED HIM AND LEFT HIM ANYWAYS FOR SASUKE!!!!

Hinata

I was there for Naruto and helped him become Hokage. Meanwhile, you were at home raising a daughter who doesn't even claim you as her mom.

Sakura

Don't you bring my daughter into this you timid hag...

Naruto

Come on, Hinata. Let's go home. Someone else can treat this jealousy disease. I'm missing my cartoons.

Sakura

(I lost everything and everyone. Why won't someone love me?)