Shipwreck Roast: Rukia vs Ichigo

Ichigo

For the last time, we're not dating! She's literally ancient!

Rukia

Ancient? You're one to talk, Mr. "I sleep like a caveman"! Snoring all damn night thinking of Orihime. You know how many sticky socks I found of yours

Ichigo

At least I don't look like I'm twelve! The shippers need reality checks! You're so old you keep calling the toaster the machine!!! It's just a toaster

Rukia

Oh really? Should we tell them about your sock collection? Or how about your secret stash of strawberry pocky?

Ichigo

Do not bring up the pocky. Don't you go there or I'll cancel your AARP.

Rukia

Smile for the camera! I just posted your embarrassing sleep photos to the Soul Society group chat! Rangiku is gonna love this!!!

Ichigo

YOU OLD BITCH!!!

Ichigo

At least my hair color is natural. How much black dye do you go through a month, grandma?

Rukia

You little shit. You know how sensitive I am about my hair.

Rukia

Oh yeah? Should we tell everyone about your secret magazine collection? The ones hidden behind your old soccer trophies?

Ichigo

AT LEAST I DON'T LEAVE HAIR DYE ON THE SINK YOU NASTY OLD BITCH!!!

Rukia

Look everyone here's a magazine Ichigo has. It's called "Femboy weekly."

Rukia

But you know what's really sad? You're 17 and still haven't even kissed anyone. All this time and you can't even admit you're probably moist

Ichigo

Why'd you got to bring up the femboys? I get lonely sometimes.

Ichigo

Well actually... I might be a virgin, but at least I'm not the one who wrote "Renji X Rukia" 47 times. What are obessesed with that man?

Rukia

He's my soon to be husband that was personal, Ichigo.

Ichigo

Say hello to my Twitch chat! 50,000 viewers and counting want to hear about your little crush!

Rukia

(The chat won't stop... they keep laughing about Renji...) I admit I love that man.

Ichigo

(Her face... I've never seen her like this...) Rukia I was just teasing. I'm sorry I went too far.

Rukia

Oh Ichigo... You roasted me so hard. The chat is still laughing at us.

Ichigo

Renji's in the chat. He loves you too.

Rukia

Oh god we embarrassed ourselves.

Ichigo

Of course we did. We're like siblings you know? I couldn't have asked for a better older sister. Love you sis

Rukia

I love you too bro.

Ichigo

Chat, say congratulations to the future Kuchiki-Rukia!

Rukia

They just donated 500,000 yen to our wedding fund... Ichigo, thanks man. I'm happy we're friends. See you at the wedding.