Griffith's Grocery Store Security Disaster

Griffith

Peter, I need you to guard this store from anyone who might cause trouble.

Griffith

Use your best judgment to keep out the dangerous types.

Peter

You got it, boss! I'll keep all the bad guys out.

Peter

Peter Griffin, professional security expert, reporting for duty!

Guts

(Just need to grab some food and get out of here.)

Peter

Whoa there, scary guy! You look way too stressed out to be shopping.

Peter

I'm gonna have to ask you to take your intense vibes somewhere else.

Peter

Hey there, normal-looking guy! Come on in!

Peter

You look like a perfectly safe, law-abiding citizen!

Guts

I just want to buy groceries, you idiot!

Guts

What kind of security system judges people by how they look?!

Light

(Fascinating. This buffoon just let a mass murderer walk right past him.)

Peter

Look buddy, I'm just doing my job here.

Peter

Maybe try smiling more and looking less like you're gonna destroy everything?

Peter

Whoa whoa whoa there, Conan the Barbarian!

Peter

You look like you just witnessed your best friend sacrifice your entire mercenary band to demons or something!

Peter

No stressed-out customers allowed!

Light

Good afternoon.

Peter

Now THIS guy gets it!

Peter

Welcome to Griffith's Grocery Palace, my dude!

Guts

(This is completely insane.)

Light

(Humans are so predictably shallow. Perfect.)

Guts

I just want to buy some damn groceries!

Guts

What kind of backwards security system is this?!

Peter

See? I TOLD you he was trouble!

Peter

Professional security instincts never fail!

Light

(While they're distracted, I'll have free reign of this place.)

Guts

(Damn it, I just wanted some bread.)

Peter

Holy crap! You just crushed metal with your bare hands!

Peter

Okay, now I KNOW you're dangerous!

Peter

Well guess what, muscle boy? I've fought scarier things than you!

Peter

I once battled a giant chicken named Ernie for three whole episodes!

Peter

That feathered monster was twelve feet tall and had razor-sharp talons!

Guts

You fought... a chicken?

Guts

(I've slain apostles and demons, and this man is bragging about fighting poultry.)

Peter

That's right! I used my patented Griffin Fighting Style!

Peter

Lots of flailing around and accidentally winning through pure luck!

Peter

So bring it on, Conan!

Guts

This is insane. I'm going to the store across town.

Guts

(I've faced the forces of hell, but this level of stupidity is beyond me.)

Peter

And stay out! That's what happens when you mess with Peter Griffin!

Peter

I am the ultimate security professional!

Light

(Perfect. Now I can finish my shopping in peace while the fool congratulates himself.)

Light

(Human stupidity never ceases to amaze me.)

Griffith

Peter, I witnessed your entire security performance just now.

Griffith

You successfully identified and removed a dangerous individual from my establishment.

Peter

That's right, boss! I could smell the danger on that guy from a mile away.

Peter

Years of professional experience taught me to spot the troublemakers instantly!

Griffith

Your exceptional security work deserves proper compensation.

Griffith

I'm raising your hourly wage to thirteen dollars effective immediately.

Peter

THIRTEEN DOLLARS?! Holy crap, I'm practically rich!

Peter

Wait till Lois hears about this! Peter Griffin, professional security expert!

Peter

You know what, boss? I think we should install a stress-o-meter at the entrance.

Peter

Anyone who looks too intense gets automatically rejected by my professional judgment!

Light

(A mass murderer getting praised for his security skills while I shop freely.)

Light

(This world's irony is more twisted than anything I could write in the Death Note.)

Griffith

Excellent work, Peter. Keep up this level of security excellence.

Griffith

My grocery store has never been safer in more capable hands.